New Year, New Resolutions

Happy New Year! 

2013 was great in a million ways and horrible in a million more.

I had my first officially old birthday, I still live with my parents, I'm back in school (Grad school this time), I am working part time barely making any money, I did not lose that jobless/student loan debt/where am I going in this world 25lbs (much worse than the freshman 15) and my writing has practically stalled. 

Enter 2014.

That's all gonna change in the next 365 days. 

Or so I hope.

I've got big plans for this new year, and a somewhat solid plan to make them happen. Let's hope! 

Good luck to you and your new year!

The Darkest Cave

We just want love! 

It used to seem like a given, like as a human it was a right, a step in the process of living. 

But it seems like the older we get the more we realize we were tricked, lied to. Love isn't a part of the deal, it's a secret passageway into a cave. 

And it's getting dark and cold and lonely down here. 

Tonight I want change.

Tonight I want out.

Tonight I want light.

Tonight I'll say it.

Horror Find Me

I need to write something scary. Horrifying.

Maybe I should describe myself without makeup. I know it scares me every morning.

That's the problem with assignments, I can't ever follow them. My body, or maybe my mind, physically rejects them.

Perhaps the bigger problem is that I have a different opinion of what scary is. 

For example, 

Creepy guy with a big gun? Meh. It happens.

Girl with back fat hanging out? Scarred for life.

Besides I'd probably be the girl that fell in love with her abductor, I'd see some Heathcliff-esque quality and find him irresistible. (I may have a few problems, we'll dig into that another day.) Besides, what's worse than a demonic psychopath? My last couple of ex boyfriends.

So anyway, back to this horror story I need to write.

I'll probably go for a sexy woman. I've always loved the villainess who has a thing for the superhero, and of course the superheroes always return those inappropriate sexual feelings, think Poison Ivy and Batman.

Hmmm...maybe I can make this work.

I'll let you know!

Goodnight.

Two Years

That sad, awful, truest of truths is that time can change everything and nothing at all.

I am older and filled with a need to follow my dreams but held back by the realities of life. I need a job, the big kid kind. Which I found, at a lovely place filled with lovely people, that makes me want to scream in pain. It is not the jobs fault, it is my searching soul telling to get out there and find my true path. Sadly, that path does not come with money, insurance, or security. The path I want to follow is a creative one. It is dangerous, because it is unknown and student loans are creeping around every corner demanding payment to pass. 

Frankly, it sucks. 

However, I have decided to attempt a multitasking of life. I will pursue my creative path, wherever it may take me, but I will keep the big kid job in the real world until I find myself secure enough to let go. 

Or I may just marry a doctor. Ha. If it was only that easy! 

So, what should you expect from this log? I suppose it will be filled with my thoughts, my silly struggles, my ridiculous ranting, and the occasional jokes. It may be for no one but me, but I suppose that's a wild enough audience. If you do stop by, I hope you enjoy and respond with opinions, advice, and maybe a little laugh of your own. 

Thanks for taking me back, I will do my best not to let you down. 

Goodnight.

Nice To See You All Again

So, if you haven't noticed, I Haven't posted a new blog in, we'll, forever. Broken computer, lack of Internet access, straight up laziness, blame it on whichever you'd like, but either way, I'm back!! 

I hope.

Seriously, I am setting some goals to get my bum writing and this is number one. So I'll see you all later tonight!

Laughter, Love, and Lollipops

I have been blessed with three gorgeous nieces and one adorable nephew and two days ago found out a fourth niece will be joining the bunch in January.  I love these babies so much and as time passes it is so awesome to see the little people they are becoming.  Each is so unique and completely their own person already.  I am torn between wanting to freeze them at their adorable ages right now and keeping them toddlers forever and with wanting to continue to watch them grow.

When I think about these beautiful little girls I realize I was once that innocent.  My days had also been filled with laughter, love and lollipops and all I had needed in the world was a pretty dress or a doll to bring me happiness.  Suddenly, a terrible thought comes into my head, these babies are going to grow up and that innocence will be lost.  It makes me a bit sick to think that they are living in this same world where I have felt so much pain.  I instantly want to lock all of them up in a safe place and let them live a naive life of perfection.

Obviously this can't happen but man, it'd be nice.  So now I'm trying to think of a more reasonable tactic for saving these precious souls from the horrors of this world.

First, there are the girls.  What heartache's lay in front of them and how in heaven can I help prepare them if I've failed so miserably myself?  I know they have to learn on their own and I know there will be tears but I'm going to find a way to make it easier on them.  I've considered threatening any mean girl or game playing boy but I'm not sure that's really allowed.  Plus, I want them to know love and even more I want them to know passion.  I want them to see all the good and in this life a lot of bad has to come along with it.  Ugh!

Then there is my nephew.  He's the only boy surrounded by a sea of women and at only eighteen months old he's already a heart breaker.  He is adorable and strong and plays games like you wouldn't believe.  He's going to have girls in love with him left and right.  Now as his aunt I'm already under his spell and think he can do no wrong...well except for this need to bite people...but you know what I mean.  However, as a women I keep thinking, this boy is gonna be trouble.  I want to teach him to use his charm for good and not evil.  In a world where I've been charmed into a broken heart more than once I keep wondering if it's even possible.

So the mission I have placed on myself for the next few years (hopefully it won't take that long so I'm prepared whenever I am needed) is to figure out a way to explain life, love, friendships, and family to all of these tiny human beings so that they can avoid so many of the pitfalls I've faced but also experience the joys that are possible.  Love is an amazing blessing that I want each of them to experience to the fullest, and though heartbreak is necessary to truly appreciate love, I'd sure like to spare them some of this pain.

I need those giggles to keep me going.

So Much

So much can happen so fast. 

A year ago I was just beginning a vacation that would include a lake house on Lake Norman in North Carolina and a house boat on Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee.  The trip lasted two weeks and was made up of more than a dozen people including six solidiers from the US Army just returning from their deployment.  One of those Army boys was the hilariously funny, incredibly sweet, painfully charming person who had dragged me along for this crazy fun ride.  The stories I could tell would make anyone laugh out loud and the time we all spent together was wonderful. 

The reason why this memory is so important and this year seems so strange is that that funny, sweet, charming guy isn't here anymore.  He was killed in a car accident four months ago.  It happened so fast.  One moment he was here laughing and then he was gone. 

In a heart beat the invincibility of everyone I knew was showing it's cracks.  Everyday is precious and what we don't say today may never have a chance to be said.  I'm in this scary place where I fear the loss of everyone I love.  I want to lock my self in a room with my Friends and Grey's DVD's, a lifetime supply of Reese's and Dr. Pepper, and the love of my life.  I don't want to waste another second.  Sounds good right (believe me if you saw this guy you'd think it sounded like heaven) but the problem is the rest of the world isn't in super seize the day mode like me.  My bosses think I still need to go to work, my landlord and electric companies still want paid, and my body still requires more suppliment then caffeine, chocolate and peanut butter (I'm wearing it down though) and this beautiful guy I love, well he's got all kinds of responsibilities too.

So how do I make every second count when most of them are spent doing things I don't enjoy and the chance of making any actual changes is about as high as me going 24 hours without candy?  I guess I just keep looking for the moments where I can tell people I love them and the opportunities to accomplish my dreams.  On that note, I'm going to order that new pair of shoes...who needs electricity anyway?