Laughter, Love, and Lollipops

I have been blessed with three gorgeous nieces and one adorable nephew and two days ago found out a fourth niece will be joining the bunch in January.  I love these babies so much and as time passes it is so awesome to see the little people they are becoming.  Each is so unique and completely their own person already.  I am torn between wanting to freeze them at their adorable ages right now and keeping them toddlers forever and with wanting to continue to watch them grow.

When I think about these beautiful little girls I realize I was once that innocent.  My days had also been filled with laughter, love and lollipops and all I had needed in the world was a pretty dress or a doll to bring me happiness.  Suddenly, a terrible thought comes into my head, these babies are going to grow up and that innocence will be lost.  It makes me a bit sick to think that they are living in this same world where I have felt so much pain.  I instantly want to lock all of them up in a safe place and let them live a naive life of perfection.

Obviously this can't happen but man, it'd be nice.  So now I'm trying to think of a more reasonable tactic for saving these precious souls from the horrors of this world.

First, there are the girls.  What heartache's lay in front of them and how in heaven can I help prepare them if I've failed so miserably myself?  I know they have to learn on their own and I know there will be tears but I'm going to find a way to make it easier on them.  I've considered threatening any mean girl or game playing boy but I'm not sure that's really allowed.  Plus, I want them to know love and even more I want them to know passion.  I want them to see all the good and in this life a lot of bad has to come along with it.  Ugh!

Then there is my nephew.  He's the only boy surrounded by a sea of women and at only eighteen months old he's already a heart breaker.  He is adorable and strong and plays games like you wouldn't believe.  He's going to have girls in love with him left and right.  Now as his aunt I'm already under his spell and think he can do no wrong...well except for this need to bite people...but you know what I mean.  However, as a women I keep thinking, this boy is gonna be trouble.  I want to teach him to use his charm for good and not evil.  In a world where I've been charmed into a broken heart more than once I keep wondering if it's even possible.

So the mission I have placed on myself for the next few years (hopefully it won't take that long so I'm prepared whenever I am needed) is to figure out a way to explain life, love, friendships, and family to all of these tiny human beings so that they can avoid so many of the pitfalls I've faced but also experience the joys that are possible.  Love is an amazing blessing that I want each of them to experience to the fullest, and though heartbreak is necessary to truly appreciate love, I'd sure like to spare them some of this pain.

I need those giggles to keep me going.

So Much

So much can happen so fast. 

A year ago I was just beginning a vacation that would include a lake house on Lake Norman in North Carolina and a house boat on Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee.  The trip lasted two weeks and was made up of more than a dozen people including six solidiers from the US Army just returning from their deployment.  One of those Army boys was the hilariously funny, incredibly sweet, painfully charming person who had dragged me along for this crazy fun ride.  The stories I could tell would make anyone laugh out loud and the time we all spent together was wonderful. 

The reason why this memory is so important and this year seems so strange is that that funny, sweet, charming guy isn't here anymore.  He was killed in a car accident four months ago.  It happened so fast.  One moment he was here laughing and then he was gone. 

In a heart beat the invincibility of everyone I knew was showing it's cracks.  Everyday is precious and what we don't say today may never have a chance to be said.  I'm in this scary place where I fear the loss of everyone I love.  I want to lock my self in a room with my Friends and Grey's DVD's, a lifetime supply of Reese's and Dr. Pepper, and the love of my life.  I don't want to waste another second.  Sounds good right (believe me if you saw this guy you'd think it sounded like heaven) but the problem is the rest of the world isn't in super seize the day mode like me.  My bosses think I still need to go to work, my landlord and electric companies still want paid, and my body still requires more suppliment then caffeine, chocolate and peanut butter (I'm wearing it down though) and this beautiful guy I love, well he's got all kinds of responsibilities too.

So how do I make every second count when most of them are spent doing things I don't enjoy and the chance of making any actual changes is about as high as me going 24 hours without candy?  I guess I just keep looking for the moments where I can tell people I love them and the opportunities to accomplish my dreams.  On that note, I'm going to order that new pair of shoes...who needs electricity anyway? 

Exquisite Pain

There are quotes, and sayings, stories and lessons that all try and teach us how to deal with this life.  These words of wisdom are often uplifting, reassuring and helpful, the only problem is they are also almost always contraditions.  We are told that love is never ending, but then told that when our heart is broken to be patient because it'll heal.  We are told that if you love something you should let it go but also that love doesn't run.  We're told to fight for love but that love shouldn't be so hard.  We're told to put those we love first but to protect our hearts.  How do we do all of this at the same time?  How do we know which route is the right way to go?  And how on earth do we survive in a world where whatever path we take leaves us aching?

As women we learned early that to be a good friend you pull out whatever word of wisdom will make our friends stop hurting.  So if the cute guy on the basketball team smiles at her we tell her that he obviously wants her because that's what she wants to hear, and then when he breaks her heart by dating a cheerleader we tell her that he's shallow and a jerk, even if he isn't.  We all also require this reassurance.  We want to hear that the guy we like is a catch, and then when he hurts us we want to hear that we deserve better.  We are one messed up group.

Obviously, this is not the first time I've thought about this twisted confusing philosphy of holding tight to the inspirational quote that gives us what we want.  However, a combination of the choices I need to make in my life right now, and (a little embarassingly) last nights episode of The Bachelor Pad 2, I can't get this frustration out of my head.

The quick rundown of the BP2 situation is that exes are on the show and while they are both sad about the situation one is beginning to move on while the other is realizing just how much they should be together.  The question keeps coming up, why do we not realize what we have until it's gone?  Both contestants are sweet people who genuinely love(d) each other (they met outside of the show) and it is heartbreaking to see them hurt.  But who's side do you take in this situtation?  The girl who was and is heartbroken who meets someone new and is trying to mend her broken heart or the guy who was scared and ended the relationship but is just as heartbroken and aching to have her back?  Ideally they would forgive each other and begin again both learning from their past mistakes, walking off into the sunset together, and never again taking their love for granted.

But lets be honest that happens what like never?  The precentage is probably in the negatives.  People don't easily forgive and never forget.  Past mistakes resurface in arguments and things are never quite the same again.  So can we make mistakes, we are all human and are going to make them, and still honestly live to love another day?

I'm begging, pleading, bartering, and praying that it's possible.  I'm honestly not sure I want to be a part of this game if there can't ever be a winner.  I'm a romantic to the core.  I believe in the kind of love that moves mountains and I have never even considered settling for less.  Problem is I'm there.  Mountains are moving, heavens are singing, hearts are a flutter, and souls have found their mates.  However it's not as easy as starring blissfully into each other's eyes or holding hands and skipping into the moon light (the image of him skipping just made me giggle out loud).  We've got life to deal with and it ain't easy.  We've tried about every route we can, believe me we've fought so hard for this love that we've both lost our voices.

So what is left to do?  I believe 100% in putting it in God's hands but there's no place to wait patiently.  We still have to live everyday with the pain and uncertainty.  I'm a living example that things work themselves out but we do have to make choices each day that help that happen.  Deciding to let someone go doesn't mean that you stop loving them.  Moving on doesn't mean you ever really got your heart back.  And once those souls have met, you sure ain't getting that thing back.  And who would actually want to? 

One quote that's stood up through it all...
"If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"
~Anna and the King  

"Tonight I'll Say It"

Well I might as well tell you the story behind my blogs name...
A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep, the whole brain not stopping thing always causes problems with that, so I grabbed my laptop and just started writing.  "Tonight I'll Say It" was the result.  It's a pretty rough poem/declaration and probably could use a couple of edits but for being written at 2am it isn't so bad.  So enjoy and let me know what you think! 

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I loved you the first moment our eyes met.  You’ll say you don’t believe it, just like you always do.  But I’ll still tell you that you changed me in that moment.  That you’ve had me since that day.  I’ll tell you that I’m yours.  That I always was.  And that I always will be.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I remember every day. You’ll say that can’t be true.  I’ll tell you that I remember every touch.  Every laugh.  Every way you changed my life.  I’ll say it only took a smile.  That you changed it with one word.  That your eyes inspired me.  That your presence made me complete.  I’ll tell you that you have my soul.  That you didn’t even have to steal it because I gave it up willingly.  That you were meant to have it.  That it was made to be in your hands.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I want to find a new word for love.  I’ll tell you that the word is used too much and that what I feel isn’t something that happens every day or even to everyone.  I’ll tell you that you deserve more than a word like that.  But since I have nothing else, I’ll tell you that I love you.  That I always will.  Forever.  I’ll tell you that even that doesn’t seem long enough.  You’ll say you love me too.  I’ll say I know.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I’m sorry.  You’ll say I don’t have to be.  But I’m telling you that I am.  Sorry for breaking such a beautiful gift.  Sorry for every moment I ruined.  Sorry for every moment you’ve ever hurt.  Tell you I would do anything to take that pain.  Tell you that I’d give anything to keep you from the ache.  I didn’t do my best.  I’ll tell you I failed.  Failed you.  Failed us.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that you’re beautiful.  That your smile lights up my soul.  That your eyes make me melt.  That your hands are what lead me.  That your arms keep me safe.  That your voice is what makes my heart beat faster.  You’ll tell me I’m wrong.  You’ll try and say that you’re nothing special.  But I’ll tell you that there’s more to your beauty.  That your heart is so big.  That your soul saved my life.  I’ll tell you that you’re my hero.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I’ll never regret us.  That I’m glad it was you.  I’ll say that every day was a blessing.  I’ll say you were a gift.  A gift I didn’t deserve. You’ll say that you’re not.  But I’ll say that you were my best friend.  My favorite person in the world.  I’ll say you were wonderful.  That you got me through.  That you saved me.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that this is the end.  The end of a beautiful journey.  I’ll say that I don’t want it be like this.  You’ll tell me that I’m being silly.  I’ll say that you know it’s the only way.  That maybe we aren’t supposed to be this lucky.  That maybe it’s not right for this world.  I’ll tell you I wish it was.  I’ll tell you I’d fight if there was a chance.  I’ll ask you for that chance.  You’ll say we can go on like this.  I’ll know that we can’t.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you this isn’t the first time I’ve said these words.  I’ve whispered them into your ear as you lay sleeping beside me.  Your only response was your breath softly warming my skin.  I’ve screamed them into the dark as you’ve walked away.  My pleas lost in the anger of those late nights.  I’ve let them tumble out along with the tears streaming down my cheeks.  But all was lost in those moments of salty defeat.  I’ll tell you that I’ve tried to think of another way.  I’ll tell you that I’m out of ideas.  That I’m out of strength.  That I’m out of my mind.  You’ll tell me that I am.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I’ll still think of you.  That I’ll whisper your name late at night.  That I’ll hope my words will sweeten your dreams.  Where ever you may be.  I’ll say that my prayers will always include you.  I’ll tell you that when I look at the stars my wish will always be for you.  I’ll tell you to keep my heart.  That every piece of it is yours.  I’ll tell you that my soul has always belonged to you.  That my smile will never be quite the same.  That my eyes will lose their luster.  That I was my best when I was yours.  You’ll tell me that’s not true.  But I’ll know that it is.

Tonight I’ll say it.
I’ll tell you that I believe Heaven has a place for us.  You’ll tell me Heaven doesn’t want you.  That you’re no good.  I’ll tell that you’re more than good.  That you’re the best there is.  And that I’ll be there waiting.  Waiting for you to bring my soul back to me.  Waiting for yours.

Tonight I’ll say it.

And tonight you’ll let me.

Hello World of the Bloggers!

I'm going to make this short and sweet. 

This is my first blog and I have no real inspiration for it or theme to follow.  I'm a wanna be writer with about a million different things going on in my life (not to mention my mind) at once.  I figured this would be a good way to let some of them out and maybe even help inspire some writing.  So for now I'm going to leave it at that and hopefully come back with something profound and amazing...or at least tolerable.  See ya soon!